Sped Dial

Probablity schmobability! Why is it that every time you dial a number by mistake it is always out of service? It says “the number you have reached is out of service please hang up and check the number……” I thought we had a population problem in the world? Why isn’t some Chinese person in shanghai picking up the other line like “why da fuck you callin me muddafucka! me no know you?” Seriously, There are not that many single digit numbers in existence. Is my luck that bad that I can’t dial a right WRONG number ever?

and speaking of dumb phone shit….

When the fuck are the phone companies going to update answering machines so that they don’t treat you like your retarded? What I am referring to is when you want to hurry up and leave a message for someone and the invisible secretary of the poor person your calling gives you instructions on what to do next. “The cellular phone customer you are trying to reach is not available. if you would like to leave a message please wait for the tone blah blah blah.” That is the most frustrating waste of time EVER. I have left a message before and I don’t need instructions. I especially do not need someone telling me to wait for a beep that hasn’t come yet only because they are still talking. If they shut the fuck up then the beep would be able to come sooner and I could leave my message.

BLAZIN’ HOT GYRO’s

Who is the most non-creative group of people ever? Those idiots who name radio stations, thats who… Utilizing the exact opposite amount of thinking that went into the God-like creation that is clear pepsi, these idiots continue to pick radio station names out of a hat with the same two pieces of paper in it. Every radio station is called “Hot (insert number)” or “Blazin (insert number)”, or even worse “The Beat (insert station)”. That is some lazy shit. they don’t even update the slang used to identify these stations. Is the night security guard in charge of station logistics? Does no one have the courage in planning meetings to say “We shouldn’t call this Christian country music station “Blazin” because its lame and overused!” Maybe all of the programmers are homosexual and trying to allude to their flame status with heat names (Blazin, Hot,…..)Well at least they could try to use a word like “Incendiary” to get the point across. Radio station programmers, shame on you! You need to go sit in a corner with the guy who named “brownie” and the guy who started “Lettuce surprise you”

Can someone in the senate propose a bill to change the pronunciation of Gyro (YEE-RO) to Gyro (JY-RO). It is just not really helping the country at all to hold onto this antiquated and inconvenient pronunciation. The Greek’s are laughing at us. Plus, the law will ruin the lives of those height challenged pricks who always correct you on it like you didnt know how the fuck you wanted to say it. By the way the car is called a MY-BOH-CK and not a MAY-BACK and its MO-AY not MO-ETTE bitch!

Obama Force 1’s

I dont think this is the air force one that Barack Obama has in mind to travel around in one day, but I know it is a sure sign of who Nelly will be supporting for the democratic nomination. Just please for God’s sakes don’t step on anyone’s Air Obama’s  at the movie theater or else they will have to filibuster that ass. How long until we get some Hilary Clinton special edition Midol packs?

Lettuce surprise you!

Mesculin is God’s idea of a joke on humanity. It taste like poisonous rotten lettuce but looks just like lettuce. It is like the cousin we all have that is always in jail and embarrasses the family in public. That half ass excuse for a legume is nasty and is never sufficient as a lettuce substitute. The rich and famous can use that shit in their Walnut infused vinegarette salads, I will stick to the sweet sugary taste of Iceberg .

The most bullshit phrase ever invented is “You know they say people tell the truth when they are drunk”. No actually only fucking idiots believe that. It is a subjective phrase that people pull out when they are trying to hold something over your head (e.g your girlfriend saying she thinks your friend is cute) or they are trying to find out if what you said is true (e.g. your girlfriend saying she thinks your friend is cute). But let someone say “Fuck you man, I will beat your ass and go bone your mom.” then that same dude will say “Man, that motherfucker is just drunk, he doesn’t even know what he is saying. Don’t listen to him”

If people told the truth when they were drunk they wouldn’t always tell you in a slur “naw man, im not druuuunk. I feel buzzed…..a little, but naw I don’t feel shit.” Instead they would tell you “The room is spinning and I peed on my leg …..a little bit….. by mistake. Ready to Bounce?”

If people always told the truth when they were drunk the world wouldn’t even work the same. Guys in the club would be saying “DAAAMN girl you are fat and I can kind of smell your underarms, but I will still fuck you because its still a notch. Besides, the lighting in here will make you seem cuter when I re-tell the story tomorrow. Ready to bounce?”.

Little Shopper Horrors

Why does checking out at the supermarket now make taking a standardized test seem easy in comparison? This bullshit actually happens at clothing stores too. S.A.T should never stand for “Shirt and Test”. As if I needed another fucking thing to think about during the course of my normal day. ” Hey Pal, I see your taking a piss, can you solve this rubics cube for me while your at it?”…. You know what I am talking about: You go into the store to buy some suspenders or some chipotle hummus and go up to the counter assuming you will swipe and hit the “okay” button exiting while dancing on que like in the visa commercials. Instead you swipe and the console screen begins to ask you for all sorts of information that is irrelevant to hummus and/or suspenders;

- Would you like cash back ?

- How much cash back would you like $5 $10 $20 ?

- What is your zip code?

-Please confirm if amount $— is okay?

- Do you have restless leg syndrome?

WHAT THE FUCK!!! I just want to take my purchased goods and leave without having to fill out a 1040 (not)-EZ to do it. Bag my shit up and let me out. Technology should make things easier and eliminate having to use certain parts of your brain not the opposite. My damn fingers start to lose feeling from punching that damn screen so many times. NO! I don’t want to use that weird stupid electronic pen attached to it, because then i am opening myself to actually having to WRITE!!!! This is just a money for goods transaction (ex. $20 to lick a strippers pumps), not Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Why do they need all that information on me anyways? Compliance with the patriot act? Are you going to send me a sing-o-gram in the mail? Well, no thank you. Just allow me to buy my raisins and stare at the saggy tits on the bagger lady in peace before I leave.

Aqua Man-Bitch

You know who I hate!! The guy that walks up behind you at the same time at the water fountain. Yeah, he appears nice and courteous and lets you go first to drink. But that is a selfish motherfucker right there!! He deserves nothing short of a salty guillotine and a coward’s death. I know his type and he is slicker than a ferret. He only lets you go drink first because he knows as you bow to drink you will be overcome with the burden of guilt and shame….. subsequently cutting the rain shower of refreshment pouring directly into your mouth short PREMATURELY. Its kind of like having a baby a few weeks before your due date. It just isn’t the same and somewhat anti-climactic. So after your flirty, brief affair with the clear ejaculate from the fountain robot do not be mad at anyone but yourself. As you catch yourself from a dehydration induced stumble realize that you are the idiot in the equation. You let him win! Wake up! You can take as long as you fucking want at the water fountain. Your liver can kick that guys liver’s ass. So, drink up Spartans. Drink to the point you can hear water sloshing around in your stomach and no longer want to continue your work out. Why ? Just so you can get the joy of making a slimy bastard wait behind you while sweat drips in his eye and he makes that homosexual sucking teeth sound and then pretends it was a naturally occurring noise the second time he makes it trying to cover up. Bitch ass.

It was a PruneBerry Beret

Who says the elderly don’t have style? Your dirty hairy ears must have heard wrong! Of course the almost dead have jiggy styles they rock Biiiotch. It may not be as flashy as Wu-Tang iced out chains or as intelligent as racing jackets with cereal box logos….. but they have invented their own fad.

Take notice: THE TIMELESS BERET is back! (but not worn to the side EVER!!!)

Everyone over 74 must have had a meeting at Golden Corral and/or Cracker Barrel headquarters to plan this “doozie” (old people slang). From now on when you are walking the mean streets please realize that a majority of the old people you are stuck behind not only serve as examples of back posture gone bad, but also inspiration that fads never die (until people die ). This shit is taking the world by storm! They are mobilizing! Women, men, white, black, cough drop scented or not etc. …. ALL old people are rocking their “I am cool as fuck” Beret’s.

And in case you are unobservant or a blind young person who is unfamiliar with the glories of the Beret; They are the hats that make you think of French army bad asses who know how to paint. The hats with the little single tassle at the top that looks like the erect penis of a first trimester fetus. (or grasshopper). How the fuck do the tassle’s stay erect anyways? Do they have mini hat penis pumps? I cant even get my dress shirt collars to stay stiff nor my own flaccid member (HEY SCHLADIES!). The lesson to be learned here is “DON’T FUCK WITH THE OLD”, they are staging a revolution funded by the profits of knock off Che’ knitwear. Beret’s are only the first sign of their solidarity! Libertad Bitch.

What’s seeding Gilbert Grape

You should take a moment to think of how dumb we all were as children. Case in point: We ALL used to think that planting seeds from fruit would somehow make more fruit. Yeah, its okay to admit that you thought you could grow apple trees and orange groves in a dirt packed used green strawberry carton. Whatever happened to those anyways? they use plastic now instead of cardboard. I guess some of those same smart children grew up and innovated plastic strawberry containers that are impossible to open and great for the environment. The smartest of those children invented the green plastic bendable net kind that are more effective at choking baby animals than plastic 6 pack beer holders. Fuck you evil baby manatee, Dora can’t save you. Anyways, sorry to say but you can now officially go kick over your “not-so-budding” pear tree in a milk carton because that shit isn’t going to grow. “If not from seeds planted by children   , then where does fruit come from Dhane?” you may ask.  DUHHHHHH, factories, immigrants and clones!

SuperTase that Ho

This should make you proud to be American:

 

 

You no longer have to sacrifice style when shopping for a Taser!! The iTaser is a stun gun that comes equipped with an MP3 player, and it holds 1000 songs!!! Honestly, I don’t make this shit up. This Taser is marketed toward women who can choose from “red-hot” red, “fashion” pink and even leopardskin print (in case you still want to keep a guy in the mood after he tries to assault you). “

I foresee this as inspiration for some pretty interesting dances. The “stop…. drop…. and piss” may be the first one. What songs would you have on your iTaser? Me? I am thinking “Drop it like its Hot”, “Shut it down”or anything 50 cent.

Scuff and Sniff

So Reebok and Kool Aid have joined forces to launch a line of sneakers branded as kool aid flavors. No big deal right? there are already cartoon characters and Voltron sneakers etc. But the kicker here is the sneakers will have that sweet ghettofied smell of real kool aid flavors in them. You know, Red, Grape, and Blue (the flavors you idiot, not the colors!!): The authentic aroma comes from scent-infused sock liners that are attached inside the shoes.

Now you don’t have to use Ghetto ass Baby powder or Arm and hammer, you can deodorize your corn chip smelling feet with the drink that used to get you whoopings as a child (for drinking too much and not having an appetite and for using all of your moms sugar)

I predict Grape soda fitted New Era hats are probably going to be the next accessory to set us back a few decades!