Take the WORK out of your Work out!!

So have you ever been at work typing up a TPS report and told yourself “i wish i was doing abdominal exercises right now”? If not, your fucking retarded and you should cry yourself to sleep for allowing these Hawaiin foreigners the chance to figure this invention out before you. I kid you not, this is a REAL invention that dually attest to the work ethic and efficiency America has come to be known for.

I may purchase one of these so that I can sympathize more genuinely with pottery.

A cocakatoo in my pocket

I need Receipt Rehab!! Everytime i reach in my pocket it feels like an office trash can or the bottom of a birdcage. Filled with papers and more papers. Yellow, pink, and what used to be white! Every pocket filled. Friendly reminders of how i wasted money on some shit just yesterday like “an all natural Fruit smoothie with extra boost.” Leaflets that make me do a double take at the price of some shit i previously took for granted (like toothpaste or raisins).

I need to train myself to throw these pointless pieces of paper away before shoving them in my pocket in the first place. Then I could avoid the shuffling through my pockets like a dimwit at the supermarket counter pulling the receipts out like they are acceptable currency. Ever so rarely you find one that is a similar texture to the money you have and end up pulling it out really confidently. How dumb do you look then! The register person probably assumes you are a well dressed homeless person or handing her a proof of reparations owed document.

These Tree Fetuses have no purpose if you are not writing an expense report. Stores should stop printing them,. and when I say “them”, I mean all those pointless duplicate copies: A merchant copy, customer copy, Entomologist copy. WTF? And you expect me to rummage through this to figure out which one to sign, which one to keep and which one to cross a line through the tip column on? I guess joke is on me though because they are all coming home with me at the end of the day. I will look on the bright side: should i happen to get lost in a forest i can leave a trail to learn how to get back and if it gets really bad i can eat them because we all know supermarket receipts are the second best option to groceries.

The War on Toast

Dear Friends, Please be careful at concerts,credit card sign-ups and sporting events because in case you did not already know… A MUTHAFUCKA WILL KILL YOU FOR A FREE T-SHIRT!!!. I mean literally murder you with their bare hands in order to get a lime green Das Effex T-Shirt. It doesn’t matter if you caught it first, its still fair game as long as they can pry it from your cold dead mitts before rigamortis sets in.

Can we stop being so dramatic and overusing the word “War”. I mean damn, there is a “War on drugs”, “War on terror”, “War on the middle class”, etc. Shit, if America wants to be efficient we might as well combine all of those shits because War is that big of a deal (big enough for it to be always intial capped like “President” or “God”). Let’s Fucking consolidate: America versus muslim extremists with good jobs who occasionally smoke crack.

Why does it say “no refill” on the side of soda bottles and juice bottles? Did i pick up the preferred beverage for retards by mistake? oh my bad, how retarded of me.

Turtle neck + Scarf = IDIOT

Okay, now on to something serious. Very serious. Why the fuck does toast smell SOOOOOO good? Its just cooked fucking bread!! But put that bread in the toaster and people are looking around for an apron and the good silverware. I mean the shit smells like an entire meal with a desert. Just the one piece of bread! And even when it gets burnt it smells good enough for your dumb ass to take the first bite to see if it will taste as good. Shame on your IQ. Your really missing out if you have not brought out the full flavor of your bread by toasting it. Don’t sleep on the potential for greatness. If you have house guest coming and you really want to impress them put a whole loaf of bread onto foil and broil that shit so the aroma can fill every crevice of your house giving you the credibility of an Emeril Legassi.

The Afterlife Sock Hop

When is the last time anyone got a papercut? Seriously i now feel immune to them. High school was the time period that had the highest concentration of injuries followed second by time on internships. I don’t know if paper is being made foolproof now or if we just have turned completely into an electronic society, but I personally haven’t gotten a paper cut for a long time but do know I don’t miss them at all.

And what about the mystery of my “good for nothing fucking always lost socks”. Everyone has this problem and its really baffling to me. No matter how many pairs or $10 for 70 pair bulk-packs you buy, they always disappear even though your not lending them out. I just got a pack of white socks for christmas and this morning i couldn’t find any of them in my clean clothes basket even though i remembered putting them in the wash. I also had a pack of black ankle socks from the summer which now only exist as one faded stretched sock and another black ankle sock that is somehow a different brand?? Are you kidding me? Who does this and how do you make it stop? The funniest thing is the dingiest socks are always the ones that stick around and the crispy ones out of the pack (that you promise yourself you will keep forever) don’t. Is this somehow inconclusive proof that ghosts or spirits exist? Are all of our dearly departed family members souls stashing our socks to let us know “you are not alone”. Is their a big clothes donation bin for socks in heaven? If so, The movie ghost should have referenced this. Patrick Swayze stealing Demi Moore’s socks instead of unrealistically playing with pennies on her door. Then more of us would believe!!! If i had three questions to ask God or a genie “Do you have my socks?” honestly would be one of them because I can not figure it out.

Jackie O’s Camel Toe

Hey Schladies!!! Whats the deal with your Anti social Sunglass revolution? All of you! You know exactly what I am talking about.

I thought this was a passing fad like those velvet chokers in the 7th grade but the problem only seems to be getting worse and I am really concerned and pissed off about it. Everywhere I go no matter the season, 90% of women on the street have 90% of there face covered by gargantuan sunglasses. And its only the good looking ones that do it, but no WAIT, maybe they aren’t good looking ? I cant really tell since I can only see their chin! “Damn, that girl is fine as shit….oh wait hold on… she has a pale chin with a slight indentation. glad I waited to get a closer look”. It looks like fucking robotic space warriors are just casually walking the streets cruising for a pashmina or a low fat latte. I am surprised they can even navigate in those things. It’s like wearing a motorcycle helmet and trying to read an eye chart. Is this an outdoor daft punk concert? Is there some big worldwide game of paintball going on and I am the only person who didn’t get a mask?

If your boyfriend beats you, they have telephone numbers for that kind of shit so stop taking cues from all those lifetime movies with titles like “the last string” and thinking sunglasses hide ur problems. If that is not the case, I have no idea what the motivation is? Do you want to check out guys packages without them knowing? Are you really bad at making eye contact and building up the courage to be able to order from the Burger King employee at the window? I mean really, the sun’s rays are not that fucking strong? No one reading this lives in Calcutta or with Aborgines in the bush!!!

Honestly, if Dizzy Gilespie didnt go blind then you probably wont either.

I liken it to muslim women in burka’s who have everything covered but their eyes. SO now the men of the world have a choice between tanned ninjas and fucking “Spy vs. Spy” stunt doubles. I think I am going to go with the muslim chics then because at least with them I can tell when someone is staring at my package.

MMM, I LIKE URRR PACKAGE INFIDEL

“Pardon me..My towel is brown and smells like butt sex?”

Why the fuck do they give you towels at the gym? I understand their assumed logic, and most will even proudly tout this feature as an added benefit or a convenience…. but DO NOT BE FOOLED, this policy is a HUGE mistake!! (To the point where whoever invented this idea needs to be beaten by a cactus with a handle). You yourself may have realized how much of a mistake it is while innocently wiping sweat from your face in a locker room only to remove the towel to reveal an overweight Borat double using the towel as rectal floss between his sweaty taint and uncircumsized penis.

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The sight of this is an “inconvenience”, but then the realization hits you and you look into your hands at your towel in slow motion. “this towel could have been that towel” turns to “this yellowish towel most likely was that towel YESTERDAY!” That’s very inconvenient.

Life changes that quickly–One minute your smiling thinking about orgasms and lasagna and in the next you have to make a choice: dry yourself off like a decent human or immediately drop the towel your holding in your mouth because someone scrubbed their corns off with it this morning. Gym’s should not be supporting the exchange of balls to face coodies that wouldn’t take place otherwise. Those two types of coodies are in different germ categories not meant for mixing unless you enjoy teabagging. I might as well start not caring if my penis head touches the rim of gym urinal’s and picks up an extra pube or two for good measure. One world! One towel! …FUCK UNITY! if gyms didnt provide towels people wouldn’t be walking around drenched in sweat with cheap shampoo in their hair. They would bring their personal “my ass crack only” towels in their gym bags along with their locks and clothes (GASP). So then you can comfortably shove your favorite personalized towel in whatever crevice on your body knowing where its been and where its going. See how happy Keshaun is !!!!!

“L” = Left Earlobe

I want to congratulate the person who figured out that your left ear hole and right ear hole are different sizes.

I am sure they made a pretty penny by selling this information to headphone manufacturers. This is a veritable gold mine of a discovery. He is like the louis and clark of human anatomy, fuck those clowns splitting atoms or cloning. You probably are not surprised that the holes are a different size unless you have been living under a rock or a concentration of power lines. I know that you have put your dingy ass ipod earphones in and begun walking ready for the soundtrack for life to commence…. but something doesnt feel comfortable. “What’s wrong here?” A slight annoyance that you assume a minor tug will fix. Even worse one may be just sitting in there loosely and falls out mid-way through you doing the cabbage patch on the public bus. Then you look at it and realize “Shit!! I had the “L” one in my Right ear, I’m a fucking dumb ass. But why the fuck should the “L” and the “R” even matter?”. Its spooky cause you wonder how the fuck they knew the shape of something as personal and private as your ear hole. Do they also know that you have not cleaned them in weeks and it starting to affect your hearing?

Insulated gondola’s with matching rhinestone goblets

I want to start off with something serious….GANGS!  Not that the crime or rampant lawlessness is a problem or concern to me, but my main concern is the ever-lowering requirement to join them.

Jeez, Tookie williams would be turning in his grave at how things are today. Every and anyone can be in a gang. By the way no one is crip anymore besides BMF/young jeezy. why? they should have a recruitment drive or brownie sale. Snoop should go knocking on doors. But seriously everyone is a blood now. Oh you rap? your a blood! oh you think u can rap? sure your a blood! you can match socks? BLOOD!! oh, you can cut an orange,….your in, congrats! Everyone on the “one blood” remix is supposedly a blood, and this is great, I am proud of them. but what about the less gangster characters such as LLyod the singer who is also supposedly blood. I just dont think it should be so easy to be a blood, or a crip for that matter. By the way, whatever happened to “folks”. we need more gangs so that the market doesnt get saturated. some type of gang antitrust laws. viva the lo-lifes and deceptecons!

And while we are talking about turnips……
Why is it so hard to figure out how to sign off an email? Its like your always thanking people for something even though they didnt do shit (e.g regards, best, thank you etc) and if you want to threaten them you put “thanks in advance”

Is VH1 contributing to the demise of society through their ignorant yet deliciously entertaining TV shows.

How come people never crave granola or canteloupe?

At what point of going to work do people stop caring if they match or not and if they wore the same shirt on the same day of the previous week? don’t front it has happened to you.

In what situation are mittens better than gloves?
Why is it that if you wake up 2 hours before your alarm goes off and fall back asleep it feels like wayyy quicker of an interval when you wake back up than if you wake up two minutes before it goes off and go back to sleep.

in the early 90’s did all VCR repair men go to take a class on how to repair a DVD player? or where they all just replaced by people who knew how to fix DVD players? where did they learn that at anyway? some type of vocational class or instructional video.

Captain breakfast burrito and the windowsill jamboree

Things on my mind:

THE best showers to take are the ones you take when you are not actually getting ready to go out anywhere. Taking a shower and then putting on sweats to sit on your couch and watch TV is the embodiment of “cleanliness is next to godliness”. its like a warm glow all over your bod, kind of like leroy in the last dragon.

WHY do really old people always look like they are chewing on something? I mean i dont know if there are invisible old people snacks, but every time i look in their hand they only have coupons or a coin purse. Coins arent chewy and Old people could choke on coupons, so what gives?

YOU know what sucks? The Teeth brushing paradox!   What is that you ask? its the fact that when you wake up u have stink breath but you have to decide to either brush before or after u eat. Before kind of ruins the taste of a meal and makes it seem pointless cause you still have food in your mouth after ur done eating. If you brush after, then it totally ruins the labor put into and hearty taste of a good breakfast! its like scope and eggs mixed taste even though your teeth are clean! yuck. Any solutions? possibly in between breakfast or for the first time at lunch?

I think there should be a national bubble bath day! because that industry needs a boost and we as grown ups have forgotten the joy of a bubble bath and burning eyes that make u want to drown yourself.

HAS anyone been to Dakota? Does anyone own a Daewoo? Is anyone elses name “Depp” or did Johnnny make that up cause it sounds cool?

HOW healthy can corn really be for you, if it never “digests” and just   passes the same as it entered? Corn…the ninja of vegetables!!!!!!!!! 

                                                                        

WORD OF THE DAY: Recalcitrant-(hint: you dont want to be described as this at work)

Little known fact: The Japanese invented meth and gave it to soldiers so they could stay up and hype for battle, also to Kamikaze pilots so they could be energetic and delusional about their suicide flights. It got the nickname crank from american biker gangs who used to hide it in the part of their bike called the “crank”.

the terrific pop tart and its secluded but moldy cubby

Who is the genius who invented Mint flavored toothpicks and dental floss?

They are making money for no reason!! that mint coating smells good and gives a teasing zing when object is first placed in your mouth, but there is no mint flavor after .2 seconds. We need better quality standards for these products. Can someone please invent a “long lasting” mint floss or toothpick.

What idiots under 30 are still wearing white briefs? I dont even think fruit of the loom makes those regular ones with blue and yellow stripes at the top anymore. Why where those stripes there anyway. some type of “product innovation” or distraction during your mundane workday? This is a tip for everyone. People really enjoy when the opposite sex wears creative socks and undies with cool patterns.

One of the best feelings in the world is tied between finding some extra dollars in a pocket in some pants or a jacket you havent worn in a long time and when you are eating soup and think all the meat pieces are gone but you find one. These represent the good times in life and savored moments hard to put into words. (sigh)

The only difference between dressing up and not dressing up is the inclusion of pointless accessories. For guys for instance u look more “special” when you have items with no purpose such as cumberbun’s (to tuck your gut), ties (to make u look taller), handkercheifs (for snot and boogies) and “special” jackets called blazers with shoulder pads!! Why do jackets have shoulder pads, did i miss some tyope of epidemic of people dislocating their shoulders when in transit to meetings and weddings? or was the creator of the shoulderpad out of shape and filled in his self esteem and millions of americans’ by sowing in extensions of his perceived manhood into shoulder pockets?

Could it be that back in the day when everyone dressed up always it was simply because they had low self esteem and wanted to accentuate or cover certain features to appear more manly and strong? Maybe thats the only reason we dress “up” nowadays as a passed down tradtion.